Heygrafft's Blog

Another Saturday night…

heygrafft — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 04:54:05 +0000

It’s Saturday night, and I’m sitting in my home office, listening to all my neighbors living. I have eaten too much pizza and watched too many episodes of “Absolutely Fabulous” and now I’m thinking too much!

I realized I am really scared. I feel this inertia about my life, yet I sit and watch the spinning. I can’t seem to stop it, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I know there are a bazillion things that one can do to make life more rewarding, but for some reason I just can’t get my rear in gear. It feels like I’ve pushed myself so much for most of my life, and I am exhausted. Some say I may be depressed, and sure it’s possible, but it feels like I’m just worn out. I don’t have a lot of oomph for many things, don’t care if I am “seen” or wearing the newest fashions. I just bought myself a really nice new laptop, and I saved long and hard for it, and I am just rather lukewarm about it. It’s almost as if I can’t let myself enjoy too much because it will just be taken away.

And to be honest, what is really going on is that my heart is not here–well it’s here but it’s also with my sweet Hector, who is not here right now. He’s been gone for a year, and I’ve seen him many times during the year, yet it’s so hard to not have him with me, or not be with him. Now that could be why I’m feeling the way I do…as if my life is not settled.

And also to be honest, I’m living in a huge city and as I said before, no connections! Plus I will need to leave my job in the next 9 months because they are relocating and the commute will be so long it’s insane (1-1/2 to 2 hours each way on a good day). And I own my home so moving closer to the job, in an area I really don’t want to live, is complicating things.

So I can see that fate is shaping things in some way that I can’t see completely clearly yet. But it’s very uncomfortable and I guess I just have to sit and wait. It feels like life is uncomfortable all the time! So I just want to give up, to quit trying to make things happen, to make things fit, to feel secure and safe. And that’s what I think I really want, or wish for like a little girl: I want security when my adult side knows it’s an illusion, and I want safety when nothing is guaranteed.

Maybe that’s what I am supposed to learn in this life: to find my inner security no matter what the storm brings, and to be okay with it all. Knowing my history, this makes a lot of sense.

Let go of the wheel….

Totally bah, humbug!

heygrafft — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 01:24:34 +0000

It’s the weekend after Christmas and I for one am glad it’s over. The holiday, I mean. Christmas itself is okay, I have nothing against it, but it’s all those dang expectations and commercials and pressure. I spent it alone, and I did have a bout of feeling sorry for myself, but then I just realized, “What the heck. It really is just another day.” Easier said than done, of course–developing that attitude, I mean.

I want so many things and yet as I mentioned in an earlier post, I just don’t have the emotional energy to go get them, or even to put the word out. And I am a little frightened. Will that change, or will I always have this attitude? Did I always have this attitude? Naw…I can remember times where there didn’t seem to be enough time in the day for all I wanted to get done.

I think it’s just that I am so uncomfortable being with myself, really facing who I am, what I have and haven’t done, and dealing with it, accepting it. And maybe then I can move forward. Dang I hope so.

And tomorrow is also just another day.

Nobody to talk to, boo hoo

heygrafft — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:20:38 +0000

Okay, so I am a 52-year-old woman who is recently divorced, living in a city where I hardly know anybody except the people I work with. They are great, but they have their lives. So I also need a life. Well, of course I have one, but just barely.

I am grateful for the things I DO have in my life, and yet I find myself feeling all sorry for myself. No friends or family nearby. No pets, no friendly neighbors, no secret admirer. Nobody to talk to! But as I mentioned in my previous blog, these are indeed choices. I could go out and hunt all these things down and find them.

Yet, another part of me is just plain tired. I don’t have a lot to give, and I don’t feel like taking serious risks with my emotions right now, with anybody. Everybody says that I’ll feel different in awhile…I guess I am in a winter phase, so many things lying dormant, at least on the outside.

It must be time to heal, to learn about me in ways I’ve never experienced before. And if I have all those distractions I will never get that chance!

The thing that has taken me by surprise is that I realize I am not young, and I don’t know how to start over. It’s scary, and then when I look around me I see lots of women in the same shoes, and they are doing amazing things with their lives, especially the ones who are older. So although some doors might be closed for me, there has to be many more that can open, if only I choose to gently push on the door.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

heygrafft — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:20:01 +0000

I can remember hearing those words all my life: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But for some reason, I just never paid attention to the meaning, sort of like all those years I spent in church.

But when I start to really look at what it means, to have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, I realize whoever wrote those words really knew what was going on. Maybe it’s just the American in me, but I really feel the strong need to have liberty, and I feel that I must have happiness, and of course without life none of that is possible. Yet, I don’t just get liberty and happiness—I have to create it, to make those choices that will enable me to have liberty and happiness. I guess I used to think those were my birthright, if I am being honest, but as I get older and dare I say wiser, I know that it’s up to me. It doesn’t just happen. If I want to be happy, I have to make the choices, even the difficult ones, to be happy. If I want liberty, the same thing goes. I do the footwork, I accept responsibility.

That’s where I’m headed today.